I was something in the 60s but now I'm just sixty something.

The Big Drool

on May 14, 2012

Boomers unite! There needs to be a better solution for the care of the elderly before the baby boomers start needing assistance. Today’s facilities simply will not meet our need for sex, drugs, and rock and roll.  We all know what will happen if we’re not satisfied. We will protest and riot, maybe stage a sit in if we think we can get back up. We’re liable to burn our Depends and medicare cards or barricade the administration office with our wheelchairs. I know some people who are likely to wander around naked like it’s Woodstock. If you thought it looked bad then, you surely don’t want to see it now.

Hell, no! We won’t go!

I’ve visited many care facilities over the years. Most of us have been around one to visit our parents. In case you’ve missed out on this opportunity there’s still time to go before they won’t let you back out.  My favorites are those designed for memory care. The people living there always seem to be on the go. Too bad they haven’t got a clue where they’re going. There is one thing they are sure of;  someone is stealing their underwear. ‘Cause, you know, it’s so sexy.

The baby boomers will more likely still be trying to get into someone’s underwear even if we won’t remember what to do if we get there.

I’m sure our families will eventually have to do something with us. They’ll try to lure us into agreement with the promise of good drugs and the possibility of  medical marijuana. Don’t be duped! Weed would be good but it’s only a start. Remember, we will never admit to being old so we need some changes to keep our delusion alive.


We might be OK with the entertainment if they kick it up a notch. Boomers love rock and roll and today’s facilities do have live music. As it is now, everybody sits around and sings the popular songs from their youth along with the piano. You know what this means when we start moving in.  We’re going to be sitting around drooling and singing “Louie Louie”. But which version? Does anybody even know the real words?  Personally, I think the activities directors will need to trade in the day room piano for a Fender Strat and a set of Slingerland drums.

We were the first generation raised on TV and we will be expecting flat screens and premium channels. I’m not sure what we will watch but it won’t be “Wheel of Fortune”. I haven’t watched that since my parents died but I think I am beginning  to understand the appeal. The letters are big enough to read and there is a lot of loud noise so you are bound to hear something. Anyone have any ideas what show might become the favorite of our generation?

Most places now have movie night but I don’t think they serve popcorn. There are good reasons for this but I won’t go into them…they’re gross. I have no idea what they show these days. PG ratings I presume. What would you think of demanding soft porn night once  in a while  just for old time’s sake?  Maybe we’ll be able to get the staff to pass out that promised medical marijuana and we can watch“Fantasia”.

Bingo just isn’t going to cut it for us either. We’ll more likely want casino  night afternoon. Roulette and poker tables should be easy to wheel around.  And there will need to be an open bar. I’m not big on juice.

Remember the old keggers? Let’s plan on having big bashes in the courtyard on warm summer nights. Maybe some of the underwear thieves will get busy in the bushes.

Yes,there definitely needs to be an elder care overhaul before we start showing up en masse at the door. We should probably start this revolution now before we’re too tired.

As for me, if I don’t see some major changes I’ve got a back up plan. (Kind of like Canada). My son once jokingly told me if I start acting like his grandma he’s going to take me for a long ride in the desert. I made him promise.

Now we’re talking!

5 responses to “The Big Drool

  1. Elizabeth says:

    I love the line about Wheel of Fortune, it’s so true!! 😉

  2. Tom Miller says:

    You know why they still sing ” pomp and circumstance” at graduations don”t you? Because nobody knows the words to Louie Louie.

  3. Scott Miner says:

    I can remember sharing the ‘ real’ words to ‘Louie Louie’ with other guys ‘ in the know ‘

  4. Scott Miner says:

    Philis, see that? I did read this post and even commented, Why couldn’t I remember that when I talked to you today….(uh oh) …..I have a bad feeling that the shows they’ll be rerunning in our retirement villages will be some kind of reality crap like ‘Cops’ or ‘ America’s Stupidest Criminals’

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